愛上一個天使的缺點

1:37AM - grandparents

i was eleven that year. yehyeh had been diagnosed with pancreatic cancer, and had only a few months to live. in those few months, we watched painfully as he repeatedly checked in and out of the hospital, growing thinner and weaker with every visit. mahmah sat with him everyday, and towards the last few weeks of his life, when he was in a coma, she dabbed honey water on his lips, hoping that the sweetness would bring him back to consciousness. on the final night, not long after we arrived home from the hospital, we received a call from the hospital. we rushed down again, and half an hour after his wife, children, and grandchildren showed up by his bed, yehyeh's head jolted backwards, his eyes shot open suddenly as though an electric current had just passed through him. then he lay flat on the bed, lifeless. i heard mahmah give a most piteous howl.

i remember that night at the void deck, sitting by the corpse, ensuring that no cats came to disturb. my youngest aunt was beside me, and she asked, "are you scared?" i nodded. "don't be scared. it's yehyeh."

mahmah was widowed for ten years after yehyeh's death. in the year when i was to take my o levels, she gave me a huge angpow during chinese new year, and said, "i know that you will definitely 考到, so here, take this." i asked, "what do you mean by 考到?" everyone laughed. later that year, during the seventh lunar month, she attended a dinner despite not having felt well earlier that day. halfway through the dinner, she felt uncomfortable, and left on her own, even though my uncle, who was there with her, had offered to send her home. she never came home that night. in the wee hours of the morning, we received a call from the hospital, and rushed down, trying our best not to let our minds run wild. she had suffered a stroke, and was in a coma in the ICU. that week, her sister sat by her bed, cooing her name, and asking her to return from her holiday. she woke up a week later, but was paralysed on one side of her body, and had little control over the other half. when her condition had stabilised, she was discharged, and came home with us. i studied for my o and a levels by her bed, telling her that i will study hard so that i will 考到, whatever it was supposed to mean. 

it wasn't until 5 years after her stroke that she passed away in her sleep. it was the end of the first lunar month. my maid knocked on my door in the wee hours of the morning, and tried to tell me something. all i caught was "daddy", so i went to my father's room, and woke him up. he looked up at me groggily, and when i told him that the maid woke me up, he immediately sat up, and ordered me to check on mahmah. her body had already started to turn cold, and she didn't respond no matter how hard i cried for her to wake up and cook wanton noodles for me, like she used to. the relatives starting streaming into the room, while my parents tried to take care of the funeral matters. mummy was searching high and low for mahmah's black robe, but she couldn't find it anywhere, even though she was certain that she had kept it in the closet (mahmah had 归依, or sought refuge in the triple gems, and religiously went to the temple to chant in the black robe). mummy tried to comfort me by saying that mahmah had flown away in her black robe after suffering for so many years. i also heard her say to someone else, "the longer the dying person suffers, the less grief the family will experience when it finally happens." i heard daddy in the background, "she waited until the end of the first lunar month, cos she wanted us to celebrate the new year before she goes."

i wonder if we can really control when we leave this world.
 

2:55PM - The Tibetan Book of Living and Dying

All religions stress the power of forgiveness, and this power is never more necessary, nor more deeply felt, than when someone is dying. Through forgiving and being forgiven, we purify ourselves of the darkness of what we have done, and prepare ourselves more completely for the journey through death. (Sogyal Rinpoche, 1992: 213)

11:39PM - go stanchart!

i was logging into my standard chartered internet banking account, when i saw this on their website:

http://www.vir.us/index.html

cute and interesting way of raising awareness. i'm glad to see a bank committing itself to such a cause.

1:52AM - stupidity

i was soooooooo annoyed with the cabin crew when i boarded the plane from sanfran.

i put on a mask, and then, one steward immediately came up to me to check if i was ill. i said no, i'm just taking preventative measures. then he went off. 5 minutes later, his colleague came up to me to ask the same bloody question, and it was no coincidence, cos he addressed me by name and went (in Cantonese) "so Mr Lee, are you ok?", clearly knowing that I had spoken to his colleague before him.

THE WORST PART IS THAT EVEN THOUGH THE GUY IN FRONT OF ME WAS COUGHING LIKE HE HAD TB THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE JOURNEY, THEY NEVER ASKED IF HE WAS OK, AND THEY NEVER MADE HIM WEAR A MASK! what would i have done had i not worn a mask...

8:26PM - I'm kissing you - Des'ree

8:40AM - 会有那么一天

歌手：林俊杰 所属专辑：乐行者

一九四三世界大战
阿嬷年轻的时候
爷爷爱她那么多
他们感情很深
当时爷爷身负重任…
就在离乡的那夜
给了阿嬷一个吻
轻声说到

我要离去别再哭泣
不要伤心请你相信我
要等待我的爱
陪你永不离开
因为会有那么一天
我们牵著手在草原
听鸟儿歌唱的声音
听我说声我爱你

夕阳西下鸟儿回家
阿嬷躺在病床上
呼吸有一点散漫
眼神却很温柔
看著爷爷湿透的眼
握著他粗糙的手
阿嬷的泪水开始流
轻声说道

我要离去别再哭泣
不要伤心请你相信我
要等待我的爱
陪你永不离开
因为会有那么一天
我们牵著手在草原
听鸟儿歌唱的声音
听我说声我爱你

5:04PM - accomplishment

finally managed to accomplish something today.

made a call to change the flight home. will be arriving 19th of june just before noon.

now i can attend the two weddings that will be held on the 20th.

10:18PM - colour test?

took a test at http://www.goldinuniverse.com/

You feel that everything is going against you and you are worn out and exhausted by all the conflict and quarrelling. You are trying to protect yourself but at the same time you are hiding your feelings, hoping that by so doing, you can avoid exposing yourself to attack. Hopefully this will give you the chance to get on with your life. Nevertheless, you should be very careful to try to avoid stirring up any opposition which might endanger your plans.

You are a very warm and emotional individual but unfortunately in the past too many people have taken advantage of this sensitive trait. You need aesthetic surroundings, or an equally sensitive and understanding partner with whom to share a warm understanding.

The way things are at this time it is necessary to 'go slow'. All the pleasures that you have anticipated should be left in abeyance until some future date, but all is not lost, you are able to derive and achieve considerable gratification from someone quite close to you.

All of the stress and strains resulting from disappointment have led to agitation and anxiety. You have been going out of your way to make a good impression, but you have reservations as to the likelihood of succeeding. You feel that you have a right to accomplish all that you set your mind on but you have become helpless and distressed when circumstances have gone against you. The idea of failure is most upsetting and this can even mean utter dejection. You see yourself as a scapegoat and you feel everyone in your sphere of influence has tried to take undue advantage of you. You are trying to convince yourself that your failure to achieve standing and recognition is not of your making but indeed of those around you.

You are moody and depressed at this time but it will pass. All of your hopes and dreams seem to have gone astray and you are fearful of planning further for the future. Disappointment at the non fulfilment of your hopes and the fear that to formulate fresh goals will only lead to further setbacks have resulted in considerable anxiety and you try to escape from this by withdrawing into yourself. But that is not the answer. You have the power to succeed, believe in yourself... all is possible to him who believes.

3:48PM - tax

phew, finally filed those taxes.

got a scare when i thought i owed thousands in state taxes. then realised that i had wrongly entered the taxable amount instead of the tax on that amount in one of the boxes.

yay! winter quarter has ended! one week break before getting back to the grind....

Current mood: accomplished

5:45PM - 病猫

down with flu, and slept in the entire day. dreamt of home.

10:49PM - upset

i have a feeling that this is going to be a long rant, so if you would rather not be be affected by negative vibes, please scroll down quickly.

just came back from dinner with some of the other singaporeans. there is this guy among them that never fails to annoy me every now and then. maybe im just being too sensitive, but at least i didnt lose my cool.

i cant stand how hes so freaking critical and untactful, always behaving like his opinion is the right one and all that matters. we were seated on the couch after dinner, when he asked me how many speakers i used for my experiment (i recently recorded some speakers reading mandarin sentences over the summer back in singapore). i said 24, but im only using data from 16 due to technical difficulties. his immediate reaction was "only?! where got accurate lidat! not representative what!" so i said that i controlled for the types of speakers that i recruited for the experiment, so that i would have at least data that is representative for those kinds of speakers. his next response was that my project is going to be a waste of time, since it doesnt cover all speaker types. how the hell is one supposed to know what sorts of variables might be relevant in selecting speakers? am i supposed to go around recording all chinese singaporeans? if only he knew how much work goes into doing acoustic analyses (he aint no linguist, nor does he know any shit about linguistic analyses). i felt particularly irate that someone who knows nothing about what i am doing simply brushed my work aside as "a waste of time". i mean, even if he doesnt appreciate the sorts of things that im doing, at least express it more tactfully or respectfully, since he obviously isnt an expert in the field.

then at some point he made some comment about how i sound weird when im speaking to angmohs. i think my close friends all know that i make a distinction between standard singapore english and colloquial singapore english: like many other young singaporeans, these are two distinct varieties in my linguistic repertoire that i employ for different functional purposes. and contrary to what he seems to think, i certainly dont use the standard variety only when speaking to angmohs; i use it actively in singapore too, depending on who im speaking to, and when. he, in contrast, is only capable of speaking the colloquial vernacular, regardless of the linguistic situation he finds himself in (hes someone i would rather speak mandarin with). so, based on his metalinguistic deficiencies, he passes a judgement on my accent. i didnt even bother to try defend myself, because hes precisely the sort of person who will not entertain any opposing opinions. ive tried before on previous occasions, when we disagreed on other topics, and once you try to reason, he does a wave of the hand and says that you are being a grad student, and he stops listening. for someone who cannot follow a line of logical reasoning, he obviously talks too much.

there have been many, many other instances when ive been annoyed with him. somebody, please send me a voodoo doll. i cant avoid him, because hes part of a packaged deal. i dont know if im being too sensitive, so i just hold everything in and smile sweetly when i hear something from him that i would rather he choke on.

Current mood: annoyed

12:17AM - helpppppppppppppppppppppppp

im never going to finish the stupid comps paper. and i dont enjoy doing it. shit.

7:57PM - i.heart.SF

pics: http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=74425&id=777716762

5:05PM - 秋風起

i love my leg warmers

7:58PM - autumn?

this doesnt feel like autumn at all. never thought id say this, but its warm.

7:25PM - 再见我的爱人

pray remind me that the benefits of finishing it justify the miserable existence

2:16PM

11:01PM - Wedding dinner for sale

a friend is cancelling his wedding, and needs to find someone to take over his wedding banquet. he is willing to transfer it at a loss, so help to ask around if you know someone planning a wedding!

date: 28 dec 2008
venue: grand pavillion ballroom, regent hotel

menu and theme have not been chosen yet, so the couple can decide for themselves.

1:43AM - the son

was out for supper with nancy, and i finally mentioned something to someone else other than the slut.

mummy hates her job. she has been working there for more than 20 years now, simply because of the money. not that it pays shitloads, but its more than what she can earn elsewhere with her o level cert. her money is hard-earned. many years back, daddy made a bad investment with her money, and when brother wanted to go buy shares, she was rather discouraging: "daddy lost 100k last time. you know how long it takes to save that much?". daddy retired earlier this year, and i can tell that shes a little sour that he gets to retire but she cant. when i was overseas and asked what daddy does everyday, she said. "do what? ask him la. everyday sit at home and look at shares". but she cant do the same, cos her parents are both ill and they need two maids. her sister prolly doesnt earn much more than her, and her brother doesnt care about their parents.

i really wonder if things would be easier if i just went to work. maybe mummy can then get out of her job sooner, and enjoy life some. shes really a simple woman who does too much... wakes up, prepares breakfast, goes to work, comes home, prepares dinner, washes up, watches some tv, cleans the toilets on weekends...

i wish i could give her a better life.

11:58PM - thats a really big problem

not knowing what you want to do, that is. (p.s.: m.lu, is this acceptable?)

i see friends who take on a bearable job that they cant say they enjoy, and look forward to weekends. their fulfilment comes from outside the workspace, and work, to them, is a necessary evil for the money to enjoy their weekends. yet, there are others, who face other problems in life and turn to work satisfaction for solace. ive always thought that work will be unbearable if you dont enjoy it, but maybe im wrong. i dont suppose anybody is ever completely happy with their situations, but how do you draw the line between not being fully satisfied and being unsatisfied?

im not convinced that im doing what i really want to be doing, but im hesitant about making any decisions because i simply dont know what i want to do. not that there is any practical decision to be made, since im not aware of any alternatives that i am confident will be better than the status quo. i guess it would be a better question to ask if i had some real options. but i dont; i dont know what i want.